I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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