im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
