I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
