I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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