I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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