That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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