Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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