Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
