Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
