well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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