Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
