I don't usually arrange sex via text message
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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