Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
