Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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