How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
