Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
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It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
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We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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