At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
