just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
