Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
