if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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