I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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