Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Randomize
