i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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