hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
