We got so high we made milksteak
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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