I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
