Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize