so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
