so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
