and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
