Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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