Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
