I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
