we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
