I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
