Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
that may or may not have been my penis.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
