So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
