Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
