In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Randomize
