1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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