Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
well you can't waste a boner
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
