they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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