my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Randomize
