even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
