I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
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