Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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