trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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