we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
