How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
