Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
