as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize