Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Drunk is not a location!
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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