They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
