Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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