Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
