I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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